Chutiyon Ka Chavanprash


This ain’t a story, this a good for nothing philosophy for our good for nothing life. This is an attempt to make the taboo “Chutiya” cool.

 

Immature. People tell me that this word suits me the best. That ever happened to you too? Well, you are no different. All of whom are  reading this article are very much the same. They have 1 brain, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 mouth, 2 nipples, 1 tummy and… well the next organs may differ. But you get my point dont you? Now let’s not stray away from the path I want to take you through. If anyone refers to you as ‘Immature’ from now, just say “Fuck You dude! thats just the word boring people use to describe fun people.” Well, I dont think saying that will be a good idea if the person you’re facing is your mum or dad or your gf/bf.(Trust me, they get pissed.) So much like the divine english word “fuck”, “Chutiye” in Hindi is quite the same. It can be used as a verb,adverb,adjective,command,interjection,noun and logically as a word in any Hindi sentence. 

 

 

You really like the saying “Be yourself” dont you? Well,It doesn’t apply to everyone. It’s just a saying which some mile high guy used, to look cool. Because, trust me you dont wanna see me being myself. I am the biggest Chutiya ever. There is a chutiya hidden in everyone. That cool guy doesn’t come out very often. Now, what does this Being Chutiya actually mean? Well, even I dont know that. Maybe it means, being cool at what you suck at. It’s like what you want to see. For instance, guys like Kareena Kapoor’s eyes  and  the girls like John Abraham’s smile But, those really aren’t the parts you want to see of them, are they? I know. And don’t worry, everyone is a perv deep inside. They just think they are too “cool” to show it out. But thats exactly where they are going wrong. Its all about being cool at the things you suck at. The things I suck at? being normal, being likeable, being decent, being attractive, being social and MATH. Yes, I suck at math. It would take me a pen and paper or my phone’s calculator to figure out what 100$ is  in INR. And back in school! xA2+y+8[(x+2yA2=a-z]=2xA3+ bull crap+ horse shit+ babboons ass=gimme a break!. Yeah I can clearly see how this will help me in life. This is why I’m cool. I never really learnt this crap  in school. But I learnt a lot from the internet! I learnt things like, how do download an e- book without paying for it! How to make jello shots! I learnt a lot about the human atonomy, in a much better way my biology sir could explain. I learnt all about Arvind Kejriwal’s Life! He’s a jerk btw, sucking a good old man’s good will for his own benefits. When I told this earlier, everyone frowned! Thought I was a bad ass for thinking ill against him. Look what happned now! Anna is changing his team! Smart ass arvind wants to join politics!  Too bad. These things will help me in life. some lame ass theorem wont. And I also came to know that, a blue whale ejaculates 40 gallons of Sperm while back humping his girlfriend. And you know whats the worst part! only 10% of that goes in!! Dont you guys “uhg” me after reading this fact. you know you are equally facinated as I am. Fuck you Pujita!

 

See,there are many phases of life, where you just screw it up. Just like, you screw up a lot of relationships. And you think that he/she was the one. Like THE ONE perfect for you. Fuck You dude! you keep telling yourself that until you find someone better. But there is always that someone in the long list whom you never really get over. Ain’t I right?. Sometimes, its the memories you miss, not the person. My chavanprash for chutiyapan works here too! If that ex thing has happened to you too, why the fuck don’t you just accept the fact that the fling was a one that sucked and get on with it, only to make yoruself cooler! Its not as easy as it sounds. I know that. Infact it took a long time for me to get it right but it does happen if you want it to. All you need is lots of booze, some really good friends,lots of porn, or skin . you know, whatever you get and a new fling! And you have made yourself an excellent chutiya! Its something to be proud of. Because, no one is perfect, its good to be imperfect. The expectations from you get lower, and once they are lower, whatever you do seems better! Din’t get my point, did you? Don’t worry, one day your Chutiyapan will and you will think how cool I really was. You aren’t swans! You don’t wanna be swans! Swans stick to one partner all their life! yes, its a fact, Swans mate only once in life! Go google it if you want. Get in a lot of flings! So that, when you feel like settling down, you’ll atleast know which kinda guy/girl doesn’t fit you right! But have a relation parallely which will always be there for you! For me its my bed. It’s nothing serious, we just sleep together everynight. And when I have no one there, I always know she is waiting for me.

 

Moving on, why am I writing this? Because I want to share a few experiences which I’ve suffered and hope that you dont have to. That must be the biggest joke in this article. Balls to you. I’m just writing it because i’m bored this evening, and also I want to look cool before who ever is reading this. Now, that I think of it, there will always be people who wont even know you, but will hate you or atleast envy. How cool is that for losers. This para is about ill judgement. Has anyone bitched about you? Spoken ill of you? Yeah, I’m sure this has happened. Well, guess what, you should be proud of it! Look at this way, the fact that someone is talking about you, actually means you’re cool! you are not some lame ass who everyone ignores! And when it comes to ill talking, it shouldn’t bother you Because, the people who are close to you and know you, they wont be effected with any rumors anyway, and people whom you dont know, who the hell gives a fuck. Right? Once, you have boiled down this fact to it purest level, you will smile when you here someone talking ill of you, calling you a chutiya. You’ll think, boy, I make a super cool Chutiya. A dialouge from Anurag Kashyap’s epic Gangs Of Wassepur facinates me a lot. “Jab tak cinema banega, aadmi CHUTIYA banta jayega.” A beautiful wisdom passed. This is how I got it, Life ain’t a fucking 2 hour movie. Where in the end its all happy ending. Its good to be a fuck-up.These are the ingredients to make a perfect chavanprash for chutiyas. It takes so many muscles to cry, to feel bad. It takes 0 muscles to not give a fuck. So try it once, go ahead and do stupid things, if you dont, you will have nothing to laugh about when you are old. This is the time!Try it once, you’ll feel better of yourself, or don’t, I really dont give a fuck. That’s what makes me a Chutiya, not giving a fuck.  It makes me happy. And I really don’t have time for people who don’t find me hilarious.This is the Chutiya attitude. This is what will make you cool. So 

 

Well, I would’ve elaborated more on life’s shit, But thats not what cool chutiyas do.

Happy Chutiyapa,

Cheers 🙂

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