“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
He couldn’t have written it better. Today my dear friend, I am in a place where hell is a self composed inception. Ever had those spine chilling moments where everything seems to be depressingly blue? The ones for whom you are solely responsible, the ones for which you know what the future is going to be but somehow choose to ignore it from the fear of it being so scary and intimidating that you feel like closing your eyes and vanishing into a darkness where no one can find you. So I wonder how is it that this self composed hell gets composed? The answer to that question is the answer,gloomy bakers of life, like myself, always fear. It is from ignoring the truth and lying to yourself. Plain and simple. And as a matter of fact there is a vast difference between not knowing the truth and choosing to ignore it. Now I may not be a guy who has got it all figured out or a guy who can boil down the meaning of that answer to its purest level and explain it to you, but I would like you to taste a few of my freshly baked pessimistic muffins, hoping that at least by tasting a few pale ones, you’ll know how the good ones don’t taste like.
When you are living a moment which makes you feel happy, feel cherry, you shouldn’t forget what made it so special and do the deed which ensures that special moments like those echo in your life repeatedly. Gratitude and exploitation of trust never go hand in hand.
In order for a relationship to build between two people, irrespective of what it is or who it is, it could be a girl /boy you love, you husband/ wife, a friend you would want to make, your nasty landlord, your sneaky neighbor, your pet, your roommate, your boss, your siblings or even your parents, it has to be a give and take of affection. No matter how much people (including me at a point of time in my life) say that a relationship must be selfless, one must give but don’t expect, and that, it is the purest form of affection. It is not always right. It is written boldly in the rule book of human nature, that one is always greedy for love and affection. Everybody likes to be cared and loved. And one only gets this when he pays his share of love to the person on the other side of the coin. But love and care have an essential central part, the soul which keeps them together. TRUST. Now this word, this tiny five letter word which I just wrote, is a very scary and dangerous one from where I see it. It has built great relationships brick by brick from the beginning of time and destroyed, dug and buried some great ones as well. Almost every living soul in this world has experienced and knows what this word exactly means.
There was once a lad, who dreamed of being that cool guy he never was. He dreamt of being the guy who had a control over his life, but karma being a bitch never let him bring his dream to life. The poor guy never really understood how far the ripples of his actions went. Before you start to get confused, let me make it simple for you, he wasn’t a person with a damaging or vicious nature, he was a weightless polythene bag flying in the air. He just flew aimlessly in the air where ever the wind took him. The contents which he was supposed to carry with him consistently changed. There was not a single person in his life whom he could call his own. There wasn’t a single person who could trust him, not a single person to ensure him that they’ve got his back. Not a single person to ask him what went wrong, what happened that he fell. Not a single person to console him that everything was going to be alright. Everyone around him knew he was harmlessly damaging. He always wondered what was it that made him so solitarily unwanted. He always wondered gloomily, why was it that he always broke people’s trust. He never intentionally wanted to, but always ended up doing so. The closest person to him in his life was his father, they don’t talk anymore. The details for why this happened between them is immaterial to us my friend but the reason for it is because he broke his fathers trust, over and over again. Period. This was the repercussion of being a bag with no control on his life .
Well, we all know the fact that it takes a really long time for trust to build, but only a second to loose. I wonder what is it that breaks this trust? Before you or even I start to think that I’m loosing track here, let me ask you a question to whose answer even I don’t know right now. Is it the beauty of life to be so complicated at times and yet so precious? I don’t even know whether that question was worthwhile or not, but it sure makes me think. And what I thought is that, our whole life is really long test, with many different subjects in it. You have to keep scoring good grades to live a happy one. Many people and situations come and test you in many different ways, you yourself unknowingly go into many people’s life and test them. We are all a part of one big test, all trying to get good grades to live a happy life. Trust is just one subject in the test. One of the most important ones, the ones who fail in this subject, well they fly in the air a lot. I hope the lad I know understands this and finally starts baking some delicious muffins of life.